You may be happy or unhappy with the results.
If you are happy with them, you don’t need to read most of this, but if your loved ones are struggling, it may be valuable to ask them what about the results is troubling them – what they fear, what makes them sad, what makes them angry; and listen empathetically without trying to justify your choices or explain why everything will be fine. Above all, avoid the toxic behavior of gloating, which will cause suffering for those who are struggling, and may permanently damage relationships. Gloating is defined as dwelling on one's success or others'misfortune with smugness or malignant pleasure.
You are experiencing a normal reaction to an abnormal event. And you are not alone
Mostly, the clients I see have been experiencing feelings of frustration, disorientation, grief, anger, and worry. These are natural feelings whenever there is an unwanted change, but the election results in particular herald many layers of insult, threat, and loss to those who did not want this. The President Elect is a symbol that many find repulsive: From his open comments about assaulting women sexually, to his encouragement of violence toward his detractors, to his racist statements and claims, to his record of abandoning allies, and many other actions, he is a lightning rod for all those emotions, especially for those people who are members of communities targeted by or included in those messages.
I don’t have pat answers because there is not a single answer that fits all individuals for quickly shifting to such a new reality, but following are some things that I observe working for some clients:
Self Care (practical): Simply, do nice things for yourself. Listen to music you enjoy, fix a nice meal, hydrate, exercise, stretch, get a massage, see friends. Making sure to continue doing your regular pleasurable rituals can help decrease disorientation by grounding you in what remains the same.
Also consider how your environment and material features of life are impacting your wellbeing. One example is evaluating what news sources and social media contributes and detracts. To what degree is social media a supportive and connecting tool, and to what degree is is upsetting and taking up your valuable time and getting you into unproductive arguments that leave you feeling worse? To what degree are your news sources contributing to feeling satisfied with the degree to which you are informed and providing input to decision making, versus making you angry or upset?
Feeling like you have mastery over your daily reality is reassuring.
Mindfulness stress reduction techniques: Taking dominion over your inner state is one of the most empowering things you can do. Directly managing your thoughts and feelings can be achieved through mindfulness, which can take many forms including sitting meditation, body scan, mini mindfulness for quick tune-ups, and even walking in nature, taking it in with all your senses.
Spirituality/Philosophy: One way of calming down unproductive catastrophic thinking is to put worries into a bigger context that allows us to understand and accept. Acceptance doesn’t mean inaction or acquiescence, but rather calm acknowledgment that allows space for directing your attention and energy strategically – is a way that is in your long term self interest. (Reference the Choosing Your Relationships paragraphs at the end of this post.) Whatever philosophy or spiritual guidance suits you, going to it at this time may be helpful. You may be able to place these events in the context of longer history, or see it as small in the context of the universe.
One way to contextualize it is this (Skip this if you will be triggered by reading something that could strike you as a bit dark):
All things have a life cycle. Things are born or begin, they live for a time that is often unknown, and then they die and are replaced by something else. You and I will die, species will die, institutions – like democracy– will die. The planet will die. None of it was meant to last forever, nor will it. The timing of the cycle is determined by many factors, and species and systems have hidden, fatal flaws that precipitate their decline. The human failings we are seeing expressed in the election results have always been there. If you think of what you are anticipating the loss of in terms of an inevitable cycle which we are seeing evidence of, it may be easier to accept. Again, acceptance does not necessarily mean acquiescence or inaction, but you may find that peace and action are more available to you if you take a broader, more philosophical perspective.
Self compassion: In addition to the other emotions we are coping with, it is natural to feel inadequate to the tasks and impatient with ourselves. Self compassion is simply turning the compassion we would offer a friend toward ourselves; and is one of the most important tools we have to support our resilience and wellbeing. Self Compassion Researcher, Kristin Neff explains that practicing it motivates us to make changes and reach our goals not because we’re inadequate, but because we care and want to be happy. Her website here offers specific recommendations for putting these ideas into practice.
Sorting/information gathering: Rather than letting your mind become chaotic and unproductive, dreading all the possible things that could happen, focus in on what you know, and what you think you need to know. Write down the facts, and the important questions, and proceed to gather the actual information you need.
Planning/Doing: Think about what you actually can do so that you won’t feel so disempowered. Several clients have told me they started researching what it would take to move out of the country, and where they would like to go. They’ve said they actually enjoy thinking about this and looking at videos and reading blogs with their loved ones.
Community/Acting locally: Much may be out of our control and influence on the national level, but staying active and engaged locally has multiple benefits. It enhances self esteem and makes us feel like we are having an impact if we do things for local social benefit. That might mean volunteering at the library or food bank, attending city council meetings, getting together with friends to knit hats for homeless people, fundraising, teaching Sunday School, or contributing to local Planned Parenthood. You can make a difference in your community, and you will get the benefits of meeting people, decreasing isolation, and from living in a community you have helped to improve.
Choosing your relationships: Some of the people who supported this change will be saying, “But we can still be friends, right?” Other friends will trigger you every time you enjoy a moment of peace because your calm triggers them. Some people may show you an ugly, manipulative, mean side to which you’d been able to turn a blind eye up to this point. Blog Post -Toxic People
It is legitimate to feel that a friendship is damaged, and to feel betrayed by friends who, for one reason or another authorized something they knew would hurt you – especially if you expressed your feelings in advance and they glossed over them, denied them, and chose leadership you believe will curtail your rights or is hostile to you, your loved ones, or your interests.
It’s also legitimate to set boundaries with people who don’t accept your need for moments of peace and comfort as we go through this.
But consider this: It might not be the time to break up any relationships. It’s early, and we are all still wrapping our minds around all of this, and there is no rush to do anything precipitous and permanent,though you may benefit from limiting some people’s access to you for the moment.
If you got what you wanted in this election cycle:
Many of the people who feel they’ve won were gleeful for a moment. Those who lost are bitter. Nothing new about that, but this is deeper.
Members of families I counsel are horrified by their sense betrayal by other family members' accepting candidates who they feel threaten their liberty, and by whom they feel demeaned. Those who got what they voted for in these elections are saddened and perplexed as to why they are seen as not caring about immigrants or women, by extension, friends, neighbors, sons, daughters, spouses, Or in fact, how the coming regime is hostile to the idea of leveling the playing field for people who started out racially disadvantaged, and is anxious to dismantle any mechanisms they call “woke.” There is certainly a degree to which they voted for what they sincerely saw as the best, most secure, most viable future for their families, but when they attempt to explain themselves, it only inflames the anger and resentment.
If your winning in this election cycle has caused ruptures within your family, the only way to begin mending your relationships across this chasm is this:
Listen with empathy, and without defense to your family members’ feelings – especially fear and sadness – and keep yourself in the mode of caring about their concerns. This is damn hard, in fact most people can’t without help and practice.
To the degree to which you don’t approve of the negative consequences they are concerned about – don’t tell them why something else in the “package” was more important. Tell them how you are going to work, side by side with them, to protect them and their interests in the coming years. Ask them what you can do, and show up for it. Ask them whom you should help? Ask where and when it would be meaningful to commit to joining our voices to resist the horrors that are coming? Ask yourself – and share your answers: What will we contribute to? What will you summon the courage to do for the immigrant family next door or your son’s best friend? What will you tolerate and what will you resist? Will you take your daughter to self defense classes and to planned parenthood to get birth control? Will you model allyship?
When I’ve counseled clients about this, inevitably the partner who’s candidate won asks, legitimately, “Why should I have to do that when they are accusing me, calling me a racist or a sexist? Why don’t they have to listen to my side?” It’s a good question, the answer to which is, “Because you won.” You don't need it the way they do. You aren’t fearful, or grieving what you’ve lost.
Being part of resisting the horrors you don’t approve of, and working together is the only possible glue that will mend some of the bitterness in our families and communities. Explaining that you didn’t vote to put women down or ruin immigrant lives won’t help, but working together on the local level – however you can, may.
Comentarios