When your adult child goes "no-contact"

The epidemic of estrangement

Whether to cut-off communication with some or all family members is the subject of a separate blog post. It is absolutely the right choice in some cases.  This post is for those who have been cut-off, and is a guide on how to cope and, where possible, move toward healing reconciliation.

Few experiences are as painful for parents as losing contact with a child who is still alive. When an adult child chooses estrangement, whether suddenly or after years of tension, parents are often left carrying a confusing mix of grief, shock, anger, guilt, and longing. As a therapist who works with individuals and couples navigating this reality, I want to speak directly to what this experience is like and how healing can begin, even when answers are incomplete.

Grief

One of the most important things to understand is that child estrangement creates real grief. It’s not just sadness about distance.  Even if it turns out to be temporary,  it is mourning the loss of a relationship, a role, and often the future you imagined. Holidays, milestones, and everyday moments can all become painful reminders.

Unlike other losses, estrangement often lacks closure. There may be no clear explanation, no shared narrative, and no timeline for repair. This ambiguity can make the grief feel endless and destabilizing. Unfortunately, many parents wait to come for therapy until several levels of damage have  accrued.

Why does it happen?

Estrangement may not be  caused by a single argument or event. Often, it reflects years of unmet needs, misunderstandings, emotional injuries, or incompatible expectations, sometimes on both sides. Adult children may frame their decision as self-protection. Parents may experience it as rejection or punishment.

Both realities can be partially true.

There are as many reasons for estrangement as there are estranged families, and almost always the reasons need to be understood and remediated before a healthy reconciliation can take place.  This doesn’t necessarily mean the parents and estranged family member have to agree, but to heal the estrangement, the parent almost always needs to hear the adult child out, have empathy for what they experienced, and commit to change.  

Common reasons I hear for estrangement include abuse (emotional or physical), perceived betrayal, disrespect, non-acceptance, violations of boundaries, neglect, and irreconcilable values differences.  In the immediate wake of the 2024 election, I worked with several families who struggled with values differences and feelings of betrayal (see blog post 2024 election).  In more than one instance, one family member or one generation felt betrayed by another who voted to elect a candidate they saw as hostile to them and their interests, and the interests of people they cared about.  

Slowly, as the dialectic has shifted and awareness increases about sexual orientation and gender, I’ve seen families struggle and sometimes split over adoption of pronouns and use of chosen names.  Elon Musk’s family is a vivid example – Musk says, “My son is dead to me,” foolishly choosing his dogma over having a relationship with his daughter. Unfortunately, he has taken to social media in an adversarial, bullying way. This is tragic and wounding for the whole family, and only Elon can fix it – and probably won’t.  Some families split over  parents’ unwillingness to accept a same gender partner into their family.  “Oh okay, they can come to Thanksgiving dinner” will probably not heal the rift if the hurt is not acknowledged and understood.

I reiterate here that sometimes estrangement actually is the healthiest choice.  When there is a history of abuse that is unacknowledged and/or continues, the cut-off saves the family member from being retraumatized by further abuse, and asserting the separation is empowering and healing.

More than 25 % of adults are currently estranged from one or more family members.  It is a traumatic, silent epidemic fueled by terms like toxic narcissism in social media, acknowledgment of the existence and reality of emotional abuse, understanding of trauma, and support systems for survivors.  Whether the estranged family member feels betrayed, disrespected, neglected, abused, unaccepted, alienated because of values, or that their boundaries are violated, the rift may or may not be repairable.

But if there is any hope for a coming together, parents (or those who have been cut off) have to be very careful to not deepen the alienation by violating the estranged family member’s right to be separate.  

When there's an opening, don't blow it!

When opportunities to communicate are available, the first communication has to be acknowledging and interested.  Suggested language for this: “I know you wouldn’t have instituted this distancing if you didn’t sincerely believe that it was the healthiest thing for you, and you must have felt you needed to.  I really want to understand how you’ve been affected.”

I usually limit "scripting" dialogue for my clients, but because this moment is so important and tenuous, I feel like it's my duty to provide a template that they can use to guide them away from words that will shut down the precious opportunity.

Then – and this can be the hardest part – it is important to listen with kindness and curiosity, putting aside your defenses, and any thoughts of shifting the estranged family member’s  mind about what they perceive. 

In this delicate moment – one which you may not get a second chance at – it is imperative to not justify anything or invalidate. “I was doing the best I could,” or “You misunderstood me,” “You overreacted”  may be true from your perspective, but it will almost certainly contribute to further, deeper, longer alienation.  Because it is so challenging to inhibit the impulse to refute, interpret, justify, and seek understanding, I coach and rehearse with clients in the relative calm of our session so that they are confident and ready when they are under the pressure of having to find the right words and avoid the wrong ones.  This moment can provoke feelings of sadness, shame, frustration, anger in the parent listening, but bringing those feelings out now will not get them accepted.

The other reflex that is imperative to control is to push past the boundary your adult child has set. As excruciating as it may be, not respecting their right to not have contact will inflame the wounds and will not get you what you want.  Get all the support you need to give them their space, and be ready to make the right moves when they are ready to accept them. Dropping by, calling when you've been asked not to contact, emailing, sending letters or messages through other family members, or even contacting your grandchildren without permission are examples of violations that will likely precipitate further estrangement. In the initial re-connection, your child is watching hopefully to see if the relationship actually can change to stop what they have felt is wounding. And if you violate their boundary, you are demonstrating that they should not hold out hope.

Living with it

Parents experiencing estrangement often report persistent sadness or numbness; walking through life just going through the motions absent core relationships, shame or fear of judgment, anger and resentment,inability to stop  rumination about what went wrong, the disorientation that comes from loss of identity, and strain within their own marriage or partnerships.

These reactions are understandable and normal. They are not signs of weakness or failure; they are signs of attachment.  To varying degrees, most parents also suffer knowing that their child has suffered/is suffering. In many cases, even though the parent may be grieving the loss of a relationship with one child, they are still responsible for other children or family members.

Holding complexity is difficult, especially when emotions are intense, but it’s essential for healing. Simplistic explanations—“I was a terrible parent” or “my child is ungrateful”—tend to deepen pain rather than resolve it.

A common misconception is that healing only happens if the relationship is restored. While reconciliation can occur, a goal for many parents who come to me, sometimes it isn’t possible, it’s seldom immediate, and must be lived with in the meantime, even if not forever.  

While holding out the possibility for reconciliation, patients get help in therapy to process grief while walking the fine line between honest self appraisal and accountability, and self blame.  They are often experiencing emotions on a scale they haven’t learned to regulate, and many need help reflecting honestly on the past without collapsing into shame. 

Although it is useful and appropriate to look at one’s own part in the rupture, it is also important to strengthen other meaningful relationships and sometimes actually find a new sense of purpose and self worth.  Simply stated, parents are less effective in fostering reconciliation if they are so impaired by their feelings that they are reacting without the capacity to think through what the impact of their words or actions will be.

Healing doesn’t mean “moving on” or giving up hope. It means learning how to live fully even while holding uncertainty.

For Couples: Protecting the Relationship

Estrangement often affects partners differently. One may want to reach out repeatedly; the other may withdraw. One may feel guilt; the other anger. Without support, this can quietly erode the couple’s connection.(See blog post Couples coping)

Intentional communication, mutual empathy, and sometimes couples therapy can help partners stay aligned rather than pulled apart by the pain.

When Professional Support Can Help

It may be time to seek professional support if:

• You want help navigating the boundaries your loved one has established and being ready to make the right steps toward reconciliation

• The pain feels consuming or unrelenting

• You’re stuck in cycles of blame or rumination

• The estrangement is creating alienation between partners

• Anxiety, depression, or isolation are increasing

• You feel unsure how to reflect without self-attacking

Therapy offers a space that is neither about assigning fault nor forcing forgiveness. It’s a place to grieve honestly, think clearly, and reconnect with yourself, and in the best case with your loved one(s).

A Final Word

If you are experiencing estrangement from your child, you are not alone. This is one of the hardest relational experiences a person can face. With support, it is possible and important to move toward steadiness, self-compassion, and meaning, even while the relationship remains uncertain. There is truth in the axiom from family systems theory that the healthiest thing you can do for your family is to be the healthiest you can be, yourself.

Healing does not require forgetting, denying pain, or pretending everything is okay. It begins with acknowledging what has been lost—and caring for yourself in the midst of that loss.