Couples coping with child estrangement.

I’m seeing more of this.

Estrangement, or cutting off contact with family members has been ubiquitous in the media lately.  Probably because of my specialty in working with older couples, I’ve had multiple cases over the past few years requesting help reconciling with an estranged child.  Of course, I do provide guidance about how to handle the child’s new boundary, and facilitation for reconciliation, but often I see estrangement from a child has the impact of starting or worsening a rupture between the parents.  Such a rupture is painful and also gets in the way of responding effectively to the estrangement.  (NOTE: The topic of estrangement is discussed more thoroughly in a separate post.  This one focuses on the couple relationship)

Impact on the couple’s relationship:

Few experiences shake parents to their core like a child choosing estrangement. Often, the reasons are complex, and the emotional impact lands forcefully as a loss of relationships the partners had individually with the estranged child, together as a parenting pair with the child, and often with each other.  Part  of a healthy relationship is shared, mutual support for hopes and dreams, and threatening or shattering visions for the future including the estranged child can destabilize the couple, and risk estrangement from one another.  

While each parent carries their own pain, estrangement is ultimately something couples move through, either turned toward one another, or turned away. Some partners have good reasons for consciously turning away from each other, but often they simply retreat into their own hurt rather than seeking support and comfort from their partners.

Grief is central to the estrangement phenomenon.  Parents with an estranged child often grieve the child they once knew, anticipated milestones and moments that now feel out of reach, the identity of being a certain kind of mother or father, and the dream of a close, lifelong bond.  Empathy for one another’s grief, and finding paths forward together makes the journey less lonely. I find that framing it this way helps couples to be kinder and gentler with each other. 

When a child cuts off contact, it often heightens preexisting problems with how the couple handles disparate needs.  For example, where one may want to talk a lot about it, and the other needs quiet and distraction,  where their emotional reaction is very different (ie, one feeling sadness and the other, anger), it calls on the couple to accept each other’s influence and find ways to compromise and accept their differences.  

As couples try to make sense of the broken relationship with their child, blaming threatens to fracture the couple's bond when it is most needed.  It’s complicated because sometimes the child has cut parents off because of something one partner did/does, and the other partner resents the impact it has on them.  But blaming or attacking only entrenches positions and creates distances between the partners. 

Practically, the couple faces challenge of figuring out what feels respectful to the child’s new boundary, and what boundaries the couple needs in terms of what gets communicated to other family members, friends, and the community.  Ideally, the partnership provides a safe haven from external judgment.  That may include limiting what details they share, shutting down unwanted “input” or commentary, and also reminding one another that estrangement has become much more common – and far more common than people admit. In cases where the child cut off communication because of the actions of one parent, it can be helpful if the "offending" parent can accept feedback from their spouse.

Much of the work of reinforcing the couple relationship is common across the typical problems couples present in therapy.  Whether the couple arrives talking about chores, money, in-laws, sex, life transitions, or infidelity, self care and use of good and compassionate communication are foundational. Therapy can help by providing structure, perspective, and emotional containment during a destabilizing time.