Toxic Partners:
For the past decade, there has been a lot of media attention to narcissism in relationships, and lately about borderline personality disorder. You can learn the diagnostic criteria for those personality disorders by accessing the following links, but lots of people have some of these characteristics without qualifying for the full blown personality disorder. Long term exposure in relationships to people with even some of the symptoms can make your life restricted, stressful, and difficult, and can be damaging in practical ways.
There is more recent conjecture and research about a "Dark Triad" phenomenon, the worst possible combination of personality traits: Psychopathy, Narcissism, and Machiavellianism. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/dark-triad
T
hese characteristics and the feelings that arise in response to them are especially toxic to empaths – people who have learned to be highly attuned custodians of others’ emotions, especially by virtue of exposure to caregivers who are emotionally volatile, manipulative, or fragile.
Check this list to see if you might be in a relationship to a toxic partner:
Do they..... | Do you feel..... |
Make escalating and unreasonable demands, expressed insistently, to the point where saying “no” is more painful than agreeing. Make winning more important to them than your feelings or the issue being discussed. Present as “normal” in front of other people, but treat you badly (insulting, berating, accusing, name calling, etc) when you are alone. Talk in confusing circles, twisting your words and using them against you Blame or criticize excessively Often say you don’t make sense Struggle for control Lie Melt down emotionally, including making a scene in public or private Make you the focus of their intense, violent, or irrational and out of control rages Attempt to isolate you from your social support system “Set the hook” early and without your consent – going public with your relationship, attempting to comingle finances, getting information about any of your vulnerabilities, marking your home with pictures of them or other things that announce their presence. Seeking information about your friends and family that they can use to hold you hostage. Pressuring you to join them in illegal, dishonest, risky, or other antisocial behavior | Like you lose track of your own wants and needs because the focus evolves to be focused only on the other person’s needs Nervous all the time because you are afraid to set them off Resentful, because it seems so unfair, but you can't seem to make yourself understood Confused or disoriented, questioning your own judgment and reality? Perhaps you talk to your friends to try to get perspective Lonely for the company of your friends and loved ones Embarrassed by their behavior and paralyzed because you fear that your friends think less of you for putting up with the behavior Responsible for helping them manage their behavior and feelings Like you've gotten in over your head and like it will be hard to get out because of how quickly entangled your lives have become, and like you can't put a stop to the escalation Too exhausted to stick up for yourself Outmaneuvered and unable to set a boundary or limit because you fear how far they will escalate |
In general, there are four choices available to you if you are involved with a toxic person:
Suffer and stay because you are truly stuck, or because there is some payoff that makes it worth it.
Expend your energy with the struggle to keep up your boundaries and protections without triggering retaliation
Back away quietly, with the understanding that there will likely be drama and reprisals.
Confront the toxic person directly
What won’t work if the person has a personality disorder:
Helping the person change or supporting them peacefully.
Getting them to see that they are seeing you in a distorted way. They will never see you in a way that doesn’t support their general narrative.
Matching their level of aggression/hostility – they will always escalate further.
Part of the definition of a personality disorder is that the person sees no problem with their behavior. They see their behavior as justified, and see everyone else as a problem. They are the victim/hero in their own narrative.
Emergency: Seek help if you are experiencing any of the following:
Acts or threats of violence including restraining you or blocking you from exiting
Making or threatening “blackmail” including making trouble for you at work, taking children (or pets) from you, making accusations about child abuse.
Lying to law enforcement to attempt to get you arrested or in legal trouble
Stealing money from you, using your credit cards or checks without your permission.
Threatening divorce or breakup (this can actually be an opportunity to escape peacefully)
Threatening self harm.
Friends expressing concern for your safety or emotional state.
As a place to start evaluating your relationship with a possibly toxic person, I recommend the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells – Mason, Paul and Randi Kreger. Or of course, talking to your therapist.
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