Phrases that do magic in your relationship

Magical Phrases

People underestimate the power of how you say it.  It’s often equally or more important than the content of what you’re saying.   Over the course of my career as a relationship therapist, I’ve noticed that some, what I call “virtuoso couples” use certain phrases, questions, and statements as ways of strengthening their bond, even in difficult moments.  Maybe using the word “magical” is overselling, but I’ve seen couples use these to shift: from conflict to collaboration, from problems to shared adventures, and from distance to deep intimacy.  And as I’ve validated them, I’ve added them to my communication coaching toolkit.  

Although using them optimally is a skill that takes time to develop, and therapy can help with that, you can start using them right away and notice how and whether they make a difference.

What they share in common is that they typically express or solicit emotion, they are simple, they convey information, and there’s nothing to argue with about them.   Some of them are obvious, and some require a bit of explanation.  I love talking about this stuff, so it’s hard to always keep my explanations brief, but I’ll do my best.

I suggest you scan through all the statements, then go back and read the explanations for the ones that feel like they are relevant or useful to you specifically.

In the future, I’ll be using this list as individual content bites about how to use each of these individually.

The phrases:

I don’t like how this is making me feel

This is important communication to yourself as well as to your partner.   Noticing and communicating how you feel is a catalyst for change.  The more often you feel this way, and the more intense the feeling, the more the motivation.

I do like how this is making me feel

Same as above

What is the part I’m not understanding?

Seeking to understand almost always joins you with another person.  When someone seems to stay agitated within your dialogue you’ve both explained your prespectives and experiences, there’s often some aspect of what they are saying, which they don’t feel you’ve understood. That's why they are saying it again and again, louder, more harshly -- or are shutting down. Opening yourself to that rather than closing it down often de-escalates, bonds, and also provides information you didn’t have before.

From your perspective…

This says, “I don’t necessarily agree with your narrative or interpretation, but it’s important to me because it’s important to you.”

I’m not going to be finished with this conversation without being sure both of our needs get met as much as possible.  Let’s start with yours.

Due to scarcity mentality and alienation, couples often end up competing to get their needs met, rather than being caring partners in pursuit of common goals.  This wording helps shift the dynamic toward being a team and supporting each other.  Equally important, it establishes an expectation that you are going to take turns – imperative to successfully communication, and that both of you will get a turn.

Fact and Feeling – and why it makes sense

Also see my blog posts, “The Noble I-message” and “Active listening” 

The point of this is to convey understanding and validate that their perspective makes sense for who they are, in the situation they find themselves in. The challenge is that it requires you to mostly leave behind your own perspectives, feelings, interpretations, and narratives in order to be fully present and curious for theirs.

Ouch

Conveys that something hurt, shamed, scared, or made you feel some way you can’t describe right away.  Some couples agree that when one partner says, “Ouch,” it is a signal to stop talking about the original topic and focus instead on understanding and healing the hurt because it’s hard to go forward when someone is still feeling a primal psychological injury.

I’m going to take a time out

This is especially useful for partners where angry outbursts have alienated them from each other.  This conveys that you are going to take responsibility for yourself and do what you need to do to take care of yourself and manage your emotions rather than doing or saying things that are damaging to the relationship.  To not weaponize the time out (not the purpose of it), tell your partner when you will come back and check in – and keep your word.  Even if at the check-in, you have to take another time out.

A part of me feels like

This casts your feeling in a way that acknowledges ambivalence and doesn’t set up the narrative in a way that you’ll have to defend.  It’s useful to people individually to acknowledge that they are complex and that their different parts can dialogue with each other and with your partner.  More on this here: Parts work in couples

Help me understand how important this is for you

Not every hill is worth dying on. If asked sincerely, this can shift the dynamic from being a power struggle and give your partner a chance to decide that a topic you’re struggling with is something about which they can yield without damage to themselves.

What I’d most like you to understand is

Sometimes you have a lot of things you want your partner to understand, and this saves you from diluting your message by bringing in too much extraneous, distracting information.  See my post, Over-explaining and justifying

This is a hard line for me

Sometimes it’s important to set a limit. If there’s no point arguing about it, this can sometimes stop the dispute.  Especially if you feel you are being abused in some way, this signals something is fundamentally unacceptable, without making an ultimatum.  Use sparingly – it’s hard to get close to someone who has too many hard lines.

No

No means no.  This says, “I do not consent to this.” There really can be no relationship without consent.

I love this about you

Expressions of appreciation and fondness bring you closer together - and the more specific you can be, the more powerful this is.

Are you okay with this?

This goes back to consent.  You can’t ask this too much – especially when it comes to sex.  It conveys that you care, and reassures that you aren’t going to blow past consent, and prompts the other person to reflect on whether they accept what’s happening.  

What was that like for you?

Use this when your partner keeps telling you fact after fact, detail after detail of an experience they had – maybe with you.  Likely what they are trying to accomplish is for you to understand, appreciate, and value the feelings it evoked.  

Yes I can forgive that, but it’s going to take awhile to trust or mend.

This differentiates holding on to something versus needing to go through a process to emotionally move on.  It signals your intention to rebuild and repair, but also asserts that damage has occurred and that it won’t go away immediately.  Maya Angelou offered wisdom about this when she said (paraphrased) – forgiving you is for me.  And it doesn’t mean I’m going to forget or give you access to me.  It just means I’m not going to hurt myself by harboring ill will.  There is a difference.  When you don’t allow access to some aspects of the relationship or yourself until you’ve healed, it doesn’t mean necessarily that the relationship is over.

Before we go on, can you confirm you understand what I’ve been saying?

This encourages perspective-taking and gives you the chance to clarify anything that didn’t come across the way you wanted it to.

Let’s slow this down.

Sometimes defensiveness and anxiety arise when we feel like things are proceeding at a pace that scares us and makes us feel out of control.  This phrase helps to slow it down, and also fosters a healthy relationship dynamic called “Relationship Observing Ego,” where the partners are able to pull back from the immediate interaction and observe themselves in the dynamic, diagnose it, and decide strategically rather than reactively what to do in the service of strengthening the relationship.  It proposes a solution to the relationship dynamic when the dynamic is in the way of solving something.

Can we take turns?  

Like the above, contributes to the “Relationship Observing Ego.”  Note that this capacity is parallel to my favorite definition of emotional intelligence, which is the ability to use emotions to inform, and still make decisions based on long term best self interest.

I know we both have good intentions.

This is a good affirmation to use to reverse negative assumptions – including your partner’s assumptions about negative ways you are seeing them.  We are naturally wired to be suspicious and defensive, and this statement challenges those negative thoughts.

It hurts  me to know you are hurting.

This is a way of saying you care and are holding space for your partner’s pain – not trying to fix it, solve it, distract from it, or take it away because it makes you uncomfortable.   It creates a different kind of closeness.  Maybe later you can work together to problem solve, but pivoting to a “fix”, in my observation is almost always premature.

It makes me so happy to see you happy.

Sharing joy – especially if it is about your partner is an important part of the “glue” of relationship.

I’m proud of you/us!

Esteem is an important, foundational human need, and when it is met within an intimate relationship, it strengthens the commitment and the bond.

How can we celebrate this?

This is a reminder that it’s important to have fun, and that your partner is the person you want to have it with.  

Can I take that burden off of you?  I mean completely, like I will be in charge of it and you don’t need to even think about it.

This one is tough, and frankly I hear many women say they wish they could hear this from their husbands. Husbands often think they’re sharing the labor when they say, “Tell me what to do,” or how can I help with this?”  

“What’s on the agenda/to-do list” requires your partner to do the mental labor to keep track, and if you want to take the burden off, it’s most helpful if you take off the whole thing including being fully in charge of it.  Caveat – if you let your partner be in charge of something, actually let them.  If it’s something new, give them time to learn it.  If the laundry piles up, let it.  Let them come to the conclusion on their own that it’s better to do it more frequently.  I also hear from men that they don’t take on full responsibility because they don’t want to be criticized for how they do it.

How could it be better?

When you perceive your partner to be complaining, this is a way of joining with them and shift what you’re hearing as a complaint into a request.  It doesn’t necessarily mean you are going to comply with or fulfill the risk, but it eliminates the “I don’t know what you want.” problem.  Sometimes this can lead to a good discussion of how you can both get some of your needs met.

I’m on your side.  

It can be lonely when it feels like you’re not “winning” in the world outside your relationship.  Using this phrase can have the effect of reducing that feeling of loneliness.  It doesn’t have to mean that you are on your partner’s side against other people or things, just that you want them to know you care about their getting what they want and need and that you see them positively in the struggle.

I wish I could have been there for/with you.

This is very similar to the immediately above, but acknowledges and adds your feeling of regret about the limits of how you can be present when you are needed.

I am feeling this right along with you.

Use this when it’s true.  Sometimes, for example, if your partner is sad about a limitation of the relationship, how you behaved toward one another, or frightened about the implications of an action or some words spoken, it’s more helpful to acknowledge that you feel the same way than it is to defend, reframe, or try to convince them otherwise.

Let’s start with what we agree on – I think that’s a lot of things. 

This is one of the golden rules of conflict resolution – looking for common ground.

That’s reasonable.

Sometimes your partner’s defensiveness is about their fear or experience of being seen as unreasonable.  This provides reassurance that you see them as reasonable and are working on understanding them, and won’t derail the intention of working through things by characterizing them as unreasonable.

Can I hold you?

 Sometimes people don’t want solutions, and sometimes there simply aren’t any.  Sometimes the time isn’t right for “fixing” something.  In those times, many people just need physical closeness and proximity.  

What (additional) ideas do you have?

See my post on Human needs in relationships. Briefly, people have the need to feel they have some control over what’s happening to them and what they do – and they are more likely to enthusiastically implement ideas they feel came from them.  It’s tempting to offer your own ideas first because of feeling anxious that things be done your way.  But asking for your partner’s ideas first is a powerful way of gaining their commitment and showing that you value their thinking, not just their “hands.”  Be prepared with follow up questions:  “How would that work?”  “Would that solve all the parts of the problem?” “Would that satisfy your needs?”  “What if it doesn’t work – what would be the contingency plan?”

So -- try some relationship magic. These aren't tricks or a panacea, and using them well in the moments when they are most needed is a skill that doesn't happen overnight. Couple Counseling is a great way of refining those skills, and is a wise and lasting investment in your relationship.