As a psychotherapist, I use a variety of modalities and techniques for helping couples communicate, empathize, heal ruptures, and become more intimate.
I’ve seen firsthand how couples struggle with the same frustrating cycles of miscommunication. One partner shuts down while the other gets louder. A simple request spirals into defensiveness. The same wounds get poked over and over, and both partners wonder, Why does this keep happening?
I do a lot of psychoeducation and coaching with couples, particularly using Gottman or Emotionally Focused Therapy approaches.
Often,The answer difficulty couples experience lies in the hidden emotional dynamics at play—old wounds, protective instincts, and deep fears that neither partner fully understands. This is where Internal Family Systems (IFS) can be a game-changer for couples.
What Is Internal Family Systems?
IFS, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, is based on the idea that our minds are made up of different “parts” that serve various roles. We all have protector parts that get defensive, or redirect us into usually maladaptive behaviors, wounded parts that carry childhood pain, and at the core of every person is the Self, which embodies qualities like calmness, compassion, and curiosity.
In relationships, our parts often interact more than our true, centered Selves. When one partner’s Protector feels threatened, it can trigger the other’s Defender, and before they know it, they’re arguing from a place of reactivity rather than connection.
How IFS Helps Couples Communicate
Recognizing When Parts Take Over Instead of saying, You always shut me out! IFS encourages a shift: I notice that when we argue, a part of me feels abandoned, and another part of me wants to lash out. This small change creates space for curiosity instead of blame. Speaking from "I" instead of "You" invites closeness and connection, versus complaints and accusations which push our partners away. Also, just acknowledging that a part of you feels a certain way leaves room for understanding ambivalence.
Identifying Protective Strategies If your partner withdraws during conflict, it might not mean they don’t care—it could mean they have a part that learned long ago that conflict isn’t safe. IFS helps couples see these behaviors not as personal attacks, but as strategies their partner’s parts use to stay safe. Learning each other's parts and their strategies gets the couple "on the same team" when conflict arises.
Turning Toward Vulnerability Beneath every defensive reaction is a softer emotion -- a wound that seeks repair. A partner who criticizes might actually have a part that feels unworthy and fears rejection. A partner who shuts down might have a part that carries deep shame. IFS helps couples access these vulnerable emotions so they can share from a place of authenticity rather than protection.
Building Self-Led Communication When each partner speaks from their core Self (remember, that compassionate, curious, calm presence?)—rather than from reactive parts—communication becomes clearer, kinder, and more connected. Instead of reacting automatically, each can pause, notice which parts are triggered, and respond with curiosity rather than defensiveness. Curiosity can feel great to both parties.
A Practical Exercise for Couples
The next time you feel tension rising in your relationship, try this:
Pause and take a deep breath.
Notice what’s happening inside you. Ask: What part of me is activated right now?
Name it: I feel like my defensive part is coming up because I’m afraid of being dismissed.
Share it with your partner using an IFS-inspired sentence:
A part of me is feeling really hurt right now and wants to shut down.
I notice my protector part getting loud because I’m scared you don’t hear me.
Invite curiosity instead of reaction: Can we both slow down and see what’s really happening for us?
IFS helps couples see each other’s struggles with more compassion. Instead of viewing conflict as a battle to win, it becomes an opportunity to understand and heal old wounds—together.
If you and your partner find yourselves stuck in repetitive arguments, exploring IFS can open a new path toward deeper connection. When you learn to recognize and care for your own parts, you create space for true intimacy, where both of you can show up as your most authentic, Self-led selves.
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