Can’t Solve Problems Without Arguing? Human Needs Like Empathy, Esteem, and Control Might Be the Real Issue

In nine out of ten cases, when I see couples—or teams, families, or even strangers—caught in heated arguments about practical issues, the real conflict isn’t about logistics. It’s about unmet human needs. The disagreement might begin with a surface topic (like who’s responsible for errands), but it quickly turns into a struggle over Empathy, Esteem, or Control—or all three. Think EEC.

These aren’t just psychological concepts. They’re basic social needs. Once one of them is denied—or worse, violated—progress stalls. No matter how “reasonable” your argument may be, you’re unlikely to move forward until the human need at the center is acknowledged and addressed.

Esteem: The Need to Feel Valued

Esteem is the need to feel accepted, appreciated, and respected by those around you. When it’s threatened—through criticism, dismissal, or even subtle condescension—it can trigger deep symbolic anxiety. Why? Because in primal terms, exclusion from the group meant death. Today, it still feels like a serious threat to our identity and belonging.

People whose esteem is wounded often can’t focus on tasks or collaboration until the emotional wound is acknowledged. I once worked in a large organization dealing with a troubling wave of workplace violence. My role was to debrief affected work groups. In every case, the individuals who lashed out had experienced a serious affront to their esteem. Their sense of being disrespected or dismissed had grown intolerable. While other issues were always at play, the common thread was clear: a breach in esteem can destabilize everything.

How to Repair or Prevent Esteem DamageAvoiding esteem injuries isn't difficult, but it requires intention. Try using specific, sincere validation. Focus on two things:

1. What the person did that’s worth appreciating.

2. How it helped or affected you.

Instead of saying, “You’re thoughtful,” say:“When you filled the car with gas after using it, it saved me time in the morning rush. I felt like you really saw what I needed.”

When giving feedback or making a request, use the same structure—specific action, its impact, and your desired change:

❌ “You don’t appreciate how stressful my schedule is.”✅ “When you returned the car with only a quarter tank, I had to stop for gas and was late to work. I’d really appreciate it if you’d fill it up next time.”

Empathy: The Need to Feel Seen and Heard

Empathy is the need to be understood. You don’t have to agree with someone to give them empathy. But when people feel unseen or unheard, they often escalate—raising their voice, repeating themselves, or growing more emotional. Symbolically, being ignored can feel like not existing.

Even when you're not feeling heard yourself (and yes, it’s unfair), choosing to offer empathy anyway can defuse the tension and reopen collaboration. It’s a powerful form of emotional leadership.

How to Offer Empathy EffectivelyTo practice empathy, listen for three key things:

• Fact: What does this person believe is happening? (Even if you see it differently.)

• Feeling: What emotion are they experiencing?

• Logic: Why does it make sense that they feel that way?

Example:"So, in your view, I said I didn’t want to go to your parents’ place, and that hurt your feelings because it sounded like I don’t like them. That makes sense—last time, your brother and I had a disagreement, and anyone would want their partner to get along with their family. I get where you’re coming from.”

Control: The Need to Have Influence

Control is the need to feel like we have a say in the things that affect us. When someone feels excluded or powerless, frustration builds. But when we include others in decisions, ask for input, and collaborate on solutions, it restores balance. It’s not about giving up your stance—it’s about sharing ownership of the problem.

How to Support the Need for ControlInvolve the other person in creating the solution. Even a simple invitation like:

“What do you think would help us both feel better about this?”or“How do you want to approach this together?”

—can immediately reduce defensiveness and invite partnership.

Final Thought: When Arguments Get Stuck, Check EEC

When a conversation spirals into conflict, ask yourself:

• Has someone’s esteem been threatened?

• Is there an unmet need for empathy?

• Is someone feeling out of control?

You can’t solve the practical problem until you address the human one. Once these needs are acknowledged and tended to, cooperation becomes possible again—and what seemed like a deadlock often turns into progress.