The Liminal Zones:
California Couples Therapy
And Life's Sweet Spot
Liminal Spaces -- or spaces between are potent zones of opportunity. The interpersonal space between people offers the opportunity for fulfilling connection and deep understanding. The space between life stages offers the opportunity for making the transition an adventure to be lived, rather than a problem to be solved. These are the zones we are all about exploring
Magical Phrases!
Sometimes saying the right thing unlocks gridlocked conflict, brings people closer together, and repairs ruptures. It takes strength and discipline to step back, and observe yourself in an interaction, and make a strategic decision in your own best interest, and in service to the relationship. But it helps if you have some phrases you can pull out to turn down the discord and turn up the intimacy.
Phrases are magic when they are:
1. Generous -- not concerned with fairness
2. Joining
3. Seeking to understand
4. Curious/interested
5. Undefensive
6. Self-descriptive
7. Simple
8. Non-accusatory
9, Specific
10. Recognizing emotions
11. Collaborative
12. Understanding
They don't have to be unemotional, and even anger, properly used and expressed can bring you closer, but: Try to look underneath the anger for the more vulnerable feeling: Sadness, hurt, fear, insecurity, overwhelm, shame, or guilt, for example, as these are more relatable and less likely to inflame.
Here are some of my favorites:
Magical Phrases:
I don’t like how this is making me feel
I do like how this is making me feel
What is the part I’m not understanding?
From your perspective…
I’m not going to be finished with this conversation without being sure both of our needs get met as much as possible. Let’s start with yours.
Fact and Feeling – and why it makes sense
Ouch
I’m going to take a time out
A part of me feels like
Help me understand how important this is for you
What I’d most like you to understand is
This is a hard line for me
No
I love this about you
Are you okay with this?
What was that like for you?
Yes I can forgive that, but it’s going to take awhile to trust or mend
Before we go on, can you confirm you understand what I’ve been saying?
Let’s slow this down.
Can we take turns?
I know we both have good intentions.
It hurts me to know you are hurting
It makes me so happy to see you happy.
I’m proud of you/us!
How can we celebrate this?
Can I take that burden off of you? I mean completely, like I will be in charge of it and you don’t need to even think about it.
How could it be better?
I’m on your side.
I wish I could have been there for/with you.
I am feeling this right along with you.
Let’s start with what we agree on – I think that’s a lot of things.
That’s reasonable.
Can I hold you?
What (additional) ideas do you have?
My Story
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123-456-7890