Recognizing emotions is the first step in emotional intelligence.
Not all of us are equally fluent in the language of emotions.
The ability to recognize and identify them is valuable for several reasons:
Emotions are “messengers” – they are often the first harbingers and interpreters of what is going on around us and whether we ought to take some action on our own behalf. Fear alerts us to danger, pleasure tells us something good is happening that we benefit by reinforcing.
The language of emotions are the keys to enhanced intimacy in relationships. Articulating our emotions, appreciating, welcoming the emotions of others brings us closer.
Understanding our emotions and those of others allows us to accept our internal states and to use them, rather than being at the mercy or effect of them.
In brief, I recommend the following to clients as gateways to accessing their emotions if they are struggling with it, if they don’t have a rich emotional vocabulary, or are just not used to communicating in emotional terms:
Use a feelings list. There are many available on the internet. Some are just lists, some have categories, some are presented in “wheel” form, where the strength of the emotion corresponds with the depth within the wheel (See an example below)
Check in with your body. Emotions contain two parts: A physical feeling and a cognition (or thought). For example, sadness might be experienced as the physical sensation of heaviness around the heart along with a thought about loss or recalling of a disappointing situation. When you are searching for the feeling, stay quiet for a moment and take a deep breath – in and out. Notice where in your body the feeling lives– it may be multiple locations. Also identify the type of feeling (tightness, heat, relaxation, coolness, stabbing, pulsing), the size, intensity, and even color, if you are inclined to experience it that way. When you have that description for yourself, think, in the context of the situation, is there a name for that physical sensation? (I feel expansiveness in my heart region. It’s continuous – not coming and going. It is so intense that I can hear it pulsing in my eardrums. It’s the size of my hand and getting bigger.) Just describing that set of feelings is relatable, even if you don’t have an emotion name for it, but sometimes the emotion name becomes apparent when we experience it somatically.
Since children’s emotions are more accessible to them -=- they haven’t been taught not to experience them or express them – think, “What would a kid feel like in this situation?” You may have to abstract it a bit. If you are going through a romantic breakup, to make it analogous to a child’s experience you’d have to ask, “What would a child feel like if someone they cared for was leaving?” The child might feel sad, scared, angry, withdrawn, and/or confused. Starting there can help you find the authentic, unfiltered emotion. Some people find it distracting to think what would “little me” (a young version of myself) feel, but others find it clarifying.
Practice identifying others’ emotions. One way to do this is to watch a television show. It’s fun to do this with someone else to compare notes. Stop the action in the show occasionally and ask yourself: “What is happening?” and “What emotion is each character experiencing?” If you are doing this with another person, compare notes and ask why they saw it differently than you, if they did. This may teach you some things about yourself and that person. Notice the inclination to quickly drift into talking about the facts of the situation and who is right/wrong, rather than staying with the emotions. When you get good at it, try watching with the sound turned off and see what you can pick up from body language and facial expressions. This is a good way to flex your empathy muscles – considering how someone else feels.
Like learning anything new, building your emotional literacy and access to your emotions takes time and effort – especially talking about your emotions. It will feel awkward at first, and you may not be successful right away. But notice your successes, practice in less difficult terrain (use these tools first on situations where the emotions are not overwhelming), and observe what benefits you get from it.
A rich emotional life is key to health and happiness, and although we lose sight of it at times living in the modern adult world, really everything we do is ultimately for the purpose of feeling good inside. Practicing these techniques is a great investment in the foundation of your quality of life.
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