Providing Feedback:
I like to distinguish between two types of feedback -- personal and business. It's not that one works exclusively in business, and the other personal -- there may be times in personal relationships where you provide pointed business-like feedback or coaching, and vice versa.
But using I-messages really leverages the other person's empathy, and is geared toward building closeness, trust, and intimacy. See highlighted text for why there is almost nothing to argue with about I-messsage feedback.
Alternatively, the STAR model was designed by Development Dimensions, International (DDI), Inc. the premier HR Consulting firm as a leadership tool.
I-Messages (Personal Feedback)
I feel ______(your emotion),There is really nothing to argue with about your report of your own internal state.
When you__(describe specific behavior) It is difficult to argue -- or be offended if the description is very specific -- especially if recent, a quotation, quantitative, or if it is something you've both just been witness to
Because I __(tell something about yourself) As long as you keep it short and simple, there's nothing to argue with about your self-description or the impact something has on you.
I would like__(share your specific wish) You may not actually get your wish fulfilled, but hard to argue that it isn't actually your wish.
Some pitfalls people find in using the I-message include:
Describing what they think the other person is doing to them in step-1. ("I feel falsely accused") What belongs here is an emotion that allows the other person to know the feeling-level impact on you. Consider using an emotions list
Using always/never, or characterizing the other person. ("when you pull that macho act," instead of "shout at our teenage son")
Too much information in step 3. Step 3 is optional, and be careful about it: Too much information dilutes the power of your message.
Not specific in step 4. Nothing is wrong with "I would like you to know this."
I
f you can use the I message, as described, avoiding the pitfalls, you can pretty much be guaranteed that your communication will be assertive, neither passive nor aggressive -- nor abusive. Of course, no guarantee that your request will be acted-upon, but you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you let the person know the
impact they are having, and what you would like.
Remember that you can use I-messages for positive feedback -- not just negative. And positive reinforcement is more powerful than negative in conditioning behavior. :)