I know what I should do -- why am I not doing it?

The Marshmallow on the Table: 

What a Famous Childhood Experiment Can Teach Adults About Healthy Aging and Strong Relationships

“I can resist anything.  Except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

Have you heard of the famous Marshmallow Experiment?.

In the 1960s and 70s, psychologist Walter Mischel and his colleagues placed young children in a room with a marshmallow. The children were given a choice: eat the marshmallow now, or...

wait until the researcher returned and receive two marshmallows instead.  The long term best self interest behavior was clear:  Assuming that, to a child, two marshmallows are better than one, it would be better to slightly delay gratification.  This, by the way is my favorite definition of emotional intelligence:  The capacity for allowing your emotions to inform you, experiencing them calmly without having to react, and acting within your highest self interest.  

Some children ate the marshmallow immediately. Others stared at it, sniffed it, sang songs to themselves, covered their eyes, turned their chairs around, or found creative ways to distract themselves until the researcher returned.

The experiment became famous because in the longitudinal part of the study, researchers found correlations between the children's ability to delay gratification and various measures of later success. (Better careers, relationships, health outcomes, SAT scores, wealth)  The study was not just a lesson about the connection between will power, signified by the ability to defer gratification, and how it is related to life outcomes.  It was further intended to provide guidance about how to do what is in your best self interest.

It’s important to insert here the context of the time: Many writers and influencers at the time were gleeful in grabbing onto partial results to support their narrative that everyone has a moral choice to use brute force self control, and that if your life outcomes – wealth, school performance, health, relationships– were not as good, it was your own fault:  Not the fault of any social/economic/political forces, ergo nothing should need to be done about race, gender, and class inequality.  This was not the finding of the study.

The answer to what led to this type of behavior  was a combination of context, and having a behavioral strategy to support a child’s resolve.

As adults, we face marshmallows every day.

They just look different.

Adult Marshmallows

The adult marshmallow might be:

• The extra drink when you're trying to improve your health.

• The impulse purchase that undermines your financial goals.

• The late-night scrolling that steals your sleep.

• The sarcastic comment you're tempted to make during an argument.

• The urge to avoid exercise.

• The temptation to withdraw from a difficult conversation with your spouse.

The challenge is rarely a lack of knowledge.  (See LinkedIn Live discussion, “Why, when I know what I should do, am I not doing it:  https://www.linkedin.com/events/beyondwillpowerwithdietsandrela7468089572573257728/theater/ )

Most people already know what they should do.

The challenge is managing the uncomfortable feelings that arise between the impulse and the choice.

What the Successful Children Did

One of the most interesting findings from the Marshmallow Experiment was that the children who waited did not spend the entire time staring at the marshmallow and repeating, "Don't eat it." In fact, that approach usually failed.

Instead, they changed their relationship with the temptation.

They distracted themselves.They imagined the marshmallow as a cloud.They looked away.They sang songs.They created psychological distance.

In other words, they didn't fight the temptation directly.

They redirected their attention.

This principle applies just as strongly to adults.

Healthy Aging and loving relationships requires hundreds of small delayed gratifications

When people think about healthy aging, they often focus on genetics, medical advances, or luck.

Those factors matter.

But healthy aging is also built through thousands of small daily decisions:  Walks taken or skipped, nights of good sleep, each healthy mean choice, every provider appointment attended and regimen adopted, attitude toward would-be stressors – all of which represent at times giving up a small immediate reward (Dopamine reward, for you neuroscience geeks) for larger future benefit. 

It’s hard because our primitive brains are wired for immediate gratification.

That is to say, a cookie today feels  more compelling now than the prospect of lower cholesterol level next time my doctor reviews my labs.  And relaxing with a beer in front of the television may feel like “living my best life,” more than going to the gym – even though we may feel great after an hour at the gym.

The challenge in making emotionally important decisions, acting in our own long term self interest is designing our lives so that healthy choices become easier than unhealthy ones:  Adjusting our own contexts and having strategies ready. For example,

• Put the walking shoes by the door.

• Keep healthy food visible.

• Schedule exercise with a friend.

• Remove temptations rather than constantly fighting them.

The children who succeeded in the Marshmallow Experiment didn't become stronger than temptation.

They became smarter than temptation.

Relationships Have Marshmallows Too

One of the most important applications of the Marshmallow Experiment may be to long-term relationships.

In couples therapy, I often observe what I call "emotional marshmallows."

• A partner feels hurt or insecure and immediately wants to criticize or accuse.

• A partner feels misunderstood and immediately wants to defend.

• A partner feels disappointed and immediately wants to withdraw.

These responses occasionally provide immediate relief, often just in the form of hope of winning or being vindicated, but they often create larger problems later.  (And they actually seldom even produce the desired short term result) The healthier choice usually involves delaying the immediate emotional reward.

• Instead of criticizing, becoming curious.

• Instead of defending, listening.

• Instead of withdrawing, staying engaged.

The short-term wished-for reward is being validated as being right – or getting our way.

The long-term reward is preserving connection.

Much like the children in the experiment, couples often succeed not by suppressing emotions but by creating space between feeling and action.

A pause.

A breath.

A walk around the block.

A moment to ask:

"What outcome do I want tomorrow, not just right now?"

Knowing and enacting these strategies -- being conscious about what the fact that alternatives exist, and having support for being mindful about when they show up, and redirecting toward healthier choices is a very important benefit of psychotherapy and couple counseling.

Five Marshmallow Strategies for Adults

1. Increase the Delay

When tempted, tell yourself:

"I can do it later if I still want to."

Many impulses lose strength when delayed by even ten minutes.

2. Change the Environment

Remove temptations whenever possible.

Willpower is overrated.Environment is powerful.

3. Redirect Attention

Focus on something meaningful rather than fighting the urge.

The brain struggles to think about two things at once.

4. Remember Your Future Self

Imagine yourself one year from now.

What choice would that future version of you hope you make today?

5. Focus on Identity

Instead of asking:

"What do I want right now?"

Ask:

"What would the person I want to become do next?" (I love this question.)

(Shout-out to Atomic Habits, which validates some of these very approaches)

The Bigger Lesson

The Marshmallow Experiment was never really about marshmallows. It was about the ability to tolerate immediate emotional discomfort in service of something that matters more.  Healthy aging, strong relationships, financial security, and personal growth all require that skill.

The good news is that self-control is not simply a trait that some people possess and others lack.

It is a set of learnable strategies.

The children who succeeded didn't have less temptation, they simply learned how to manage it differently.

As adults, we have the opportunity to practice the same skill every day  One marshmallow at a time.

•  A later research note:  Subsequent studies showed the original study was also influenced by factors such as trust, family stability, and socioeconomic conditions. (AKA ACES– Adverse Childhood Experiences)