A parent asks the questions that every parent has about rebellious teenagers.
Dear Alex:
My 16 year old twins (boy and girl) have become much more difficult in the past three years. In early childhood, they were obedient, fun, happy to be with us, and did great in school. We built some wonderful memories together. Now I can hardly recognize them. They are rebellious, angry, sullen, uncommunicative, and would rather die than spend time with us.
This is impacting my relationship with my spouse. Among other things, I think we should insist they spend time with us even if they don’t want to. I also think we should drug test them. I would be in favor of confirming, rather than just blindly believing what they say because we have caught them in lies previously. They lied about staying overnight at a friend’s house only to have stayed at another friend’s house where no parent was present. I don’t think that’s right!
My wife disagrees, and it causes conflict between us leaving spending way too many nights on the couch.
HELP (Hanging on Every Little Problem)
Dear HELP:
First, welcome to a very big club. Many parents experience exactly what you are going through. Do you remember the “terrible twos?” Developmentally, what your twins are going through right now is similar to that. Around age two, children begin to realize that they are separate organisms from parents. They push away, become rebellious as they experiment with their newly found sense of separateness, and they go exploring. That developmental stage is called “Separation and Individuation.”
If what you’re experiencing now feels a bit familiar, it’s because teens are going through a second round of the same thing as they shift their affiliation from family to peers. As they separate and individuate again, it is appropriate, to a degree, that they shun your advice and denigrate your example. The more you push, the more they will pull away. It can be crushing for parents, feeling sad that they've been knocked from their pedestals, and feeling like the old ways of parenting are failing all the time. Remember though -- this time is also scary for your teens while they are in that void between looking to you for what to do and how to be, and confidently thinking for themselves and coming to the right conclusions for them.
Teens need different things from parents than they did when they were younger. They need less guidance and yet still need to be kept safe. It is your leadership that helps them learn to think for themselves, rather than relying on your thinking. In some cases, you may have to put your foot down, but pick your battles carefully.
As your teens graduate to this stage, the best posture or role for you to adopt is one of "thinking partner," where you encourage them to think along with you. Instead of telling them what to do, ask questions and encourage and praise their thinking. This will aslo help them to trust you and confide in you.
Here's an example:
Teen: Mom, I want to go over to Lupe's after school and have a sleepover. Our whole group will be there and their parents are all okay with it.
Parent: What time are you thinking you will be home?
Teen: Maybe 10 tomorrow morning.
Parent: What do you see as the pros and cons of going?
Teen: I will get to be with my friends. We will get to watch movies, listen to music, and maybe go out driving. Lupe just got her license!
Parent: I can see where that would be fun.
Teen: Yes for sure! I knew you would understand.
Parent: Any downside?
Teen: Well, it would mean I don't get to practice piano tonight, and I would still have to do my homework, but I can do that over at Lupe's.
Parent: Well what would be the result of missing piano practice?
Teen: Nothing too serious, I have two whole weeks before the recital and I can practice extra on Saturday.
Parent: That's a good idea -- I like your thinking on that. Is anything going on on Saturday that would make you not want to practice then?
Teen: It's supposed to rain Saturday so I'm sure I won't mind.
Parent: Good point. About the homework -- Have you tried to study at a sleepover before? How did it go.
Teen: I guess it didn't go too well. There was too much going on and I didn't get a chance to really study, and also I didn't have all the materials I needed.
Parent: What was the result?
Teen: I got a C on my project.
Parent: I'm glad that you are thinking seriously about this. What was that like getting a C?
Teen: I hated it, and I also hated losing my allowance as a result.
Parent: Yeah, I hated that too. I know your grades are important to you, and that your allowance is too! I didn't like taking it away from you.
Teen: <silent>
Parent: So sounds like you have a plan about the piano practice, and I am proud of you for coming up with that. But seems like there is a conflict between homework and social life.
Teen: Social life is important too! You guys seem to forget that!
Parent: Good that you are thinking about that. How can you balance those in this instance?
....
It is good to apply this to other kinds of situations, especially where safety is concerned, starting with open-ended questions:
I saw in your school newsletter that some kids were caught with drugs at the school. What do you think would be the best way to respond if you saw something like that?
Sarah's mom said that when Sarah was out with some friends and they were drinking, and that the friend she was riding with had been participating in that, and she was proud that Sarah called her to ask her to pick her up. How would you decide if you should call me to pick you up? What would prevent you from calling?
You know how in the movie we were watching, there was some rough stuff and unwanted touching between two of the characters? What should someone do if they find themselves in that situation?
Then, use follow up questions to expand the dialogue:
Good thinking, but what if that didn't work?
What would you need from me?
What else might you try?
How would you put that into action?
What would you need to do to be prepared?
And always provide encouragement and boost self esteem by affirming the thinking:
Good idea!
I am proud of your judgment!
Smart!
What a great way to be consistent with your values!
That's creative -- I wouldn't have thought of that!
Here are my "Dirty (Baker's) Dozen" Teen parent tips:
Don’t fall for being pitted against your co-parent. Discuss parenting issues you don’t agree on calmly, and not in front of your teens. Check with one another before giving permission.
Don’t hesitate to monitor and investigate but be sure to set expectations of privacy so that it doesn’t feel like a violation of trust if you look into things further.
Your house, your rules, it is your right to investigate.
Beyond your house, it’s a great idea to know your teens’ friends and their parents. This way, you can be sure that your teens are where they say they are, that parents are present and that drugs and alcohol are not allowed. You can also verify overnight trips if you allow them.
You should have access to social media accounts and other be aware of internet usage. Know who your teens are friends with and ask how they know them.
Know your teens’ teachers. Confirm what homework is due and track progress and attendance.
Know the signs and symptoms of drug and alcohol abuse and consider home drug testing. Many parents like to speak to a professional about this step.
Talk frankly about safe sex, drugs and alcohol use. It’s fine to talk from the standpoint of your values, but don’t forget to listen – even if you don’t like what you’re hearing. You don’t want to shut down the channel because you don’t like what’s flowing through it.
Show your love. More important than “Great touchdown pass!” is “I love to watch you play!”
Do your best, don’t worry too much and don’t fight every battle. Choose which ones are most important and focus your energy there.
Be good to yourself. A completely self-sacrificing approach depletes you and is not sustainable.
Ask for help. Often, friends and family members are willing to step in and give you a break when you need one. There’s nothing wrong with using resources available to you to be the best parent you can be to raise the healthiest kids possible.
And finally (here's your bonus, number 13): Keep the teen years in perspective. While they may feel taxing and challenging, you will get through them like your parents did! Remember that these years are not just a transition time for your kids but also for you. Your role with them is changing. You may be preparing for a new stage of life as well in which your focus might change from being a parent to career, community, or other pursuits.
Best Wishes,
Alex
Kommentarer